A Message To Readers (if I even have any):

Chances are you happend upon my little page by googling in the toolbar something completely off the wall, and if that was what you were looking for, then you've come to the right place. Be prepared to waste a period of your life away if you graze around my page. You will not get the alloted time back, so I am warning you, I am not responsible.
I write about absolutely nothing at all. There is no importance to it, nor is there anything that will make you brighter. It will, in fact, make you dumb and possibly entertained a bit. I write because it's an outlet. It's fun and footloose and fancyfree. I have grammar and punctuation problems, and you probably have foul smelling body odor or maybe you walk through life with a constant wedgie. Let's play on that and be stoopit.
Beware of foul language and sometimes disgusting use of words.
Can't say I didn't warn ya.
Over and out.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Part baby part cat :by Emily

Once upon a time, there was a part cat part baby.  The baby was outside playing kick the can.

Meanwhile, his mommy was home sick.  She had no tissues.  So the baby went to the store to get some tissues and the cat part of it got mad and peed on itself.  And then there was even a more awful problem.  It ran into a couple of mean bullies that were boys,  so the cat baby had to defend itself.  It pooped.

So then the half cat half baby made it home to it's mommy and gave her the tissues.  She was ok then.  But the cat baby wasn't happy because it had a little bit left over stuck poot to it.  So the cat baby thingamajig had to take a bath and it doesn't like to do that. 

When the mommy put the part baby part cat in the tub for bathtimes, something happend...it cracked open and revealed cadburry eggs!!  Just kidding.  It cracked open and his tooth fell in the drain. So the mommy was trying to find glue to fix it.  Her baby cat baby was falling apart and stinky!  It hit itself with a tool. 

The mommy found glue and started gluing it back together.  So they were all happy and all alive again.  The end.

Cereal eating

Cereals! There are so many kinds! Endulge! Shop for them and then bring them home in bags! Place the boxes in your cabinet that isn't quite big enough for all the cereal boxes, so you end up slanting the boxes or smashing them in there.  You have the cereals now.   You can eat them later.  Or now.  Whichever.  Eat those cereals.  Which flavor did you choose?  There are varieties of them in colorful boxes.  It's a hard choice when going down that isle, so take your time and block other customers from viewing the choices.  Bang a few grocery carts and hurry through the isle like they are about to run out.  You freak out about cereals, you are a serious buyer.  You look at the box while eating the cereals.  You read the nutritions on the box and feel good about eating a bowl of them.  You are a healthy sonofabitch.  Go ahead, pour another bowl.  Eat that thing!

Doesn't that just make you feel like you need to hurry and eat a bowl? It makes you feel like it's a madhouse situation all about cereal.  Like, "hurry up and dump the cereal inside your awkward bodymass."  You need that cereal. I should advertise for cereal. 

But cereal eating is sick.  It really is.  Look at these people...

First off, a family isn't like that.  They don't sit at a table in a dentist looking atmosphere of a house and "say cheese" before devouring cereals.   Cereal commercials depict that all the time.  What is that about anyways?  And milk isn't poured from a glass jug jar thing.  ALL cereal commercials have that.  Or the milk cart.  What happend to the milk jug with pieces of last nite's din din spagetti stuck on it?  Or chocolate syrup dribbled on it from an attempt to make chocolate milk? Really...our milk jug is disgusting and I always can't wait until it's gone and I can throw it out to get a new clean milk container to place in the fridge.

This is what a cereal commercial should be more like:

That is straight up nasty! Munja munja!  And the kid is laying in it playing. 

Whenever people are eating cereals near me it kind of makes me mad.  I have to tune them out.  Especially when they are eating the cereals in front of a tv.   They hold the bowl like it's a statue, supporting it from the bottom.  Their head is nearly hanging over the bowl and they take scoops from the bowl.  They stop and chew, laugh at the tv and grab another scoop.  The head, mouth, spoon and bowl are almost connected by an invisible string.  All attached together.  Slurp chew scoop over and over with a laugh or chuckle in between.   And you know for a fact that if they were not eating that bowl of cereals, they wouldn't be laughing at the tv.  Sometimes, I want a bowl of cereal.  But I don't get one because I will be thinking that in my head while I'm eating the bowl of cereals.   Loops.   granola.   flakes.  pebbles.  cream.  crunch.  puffs.  all of these are associated with the cereals. 

So when I am watching tv, I usually opt for a sandwich.  But before I go and make one, I remember that the breads get stuck in my mouth so then I don't make a sandwich either.  So I sit there and do nothing at all with my arms. 

Eating ice cream doesn't count.  Ice cream is a silent eating.  So you would be safe to eat that.  Just be careful with the cereals.  They are tempting. 

And when you are done eating the cereals, don't forget to put the bowl away.  Otherwise, your cat will drink from the bowl of sparse cereal floating in there with the sugary milk left over and end up getting sick, doing a vertical downward puke from up on the couch to the floor. 

Friday, June 17, 2011

Cinnamon says...

Cinnamon says....

"I am a dainty, lovely and I cross my paws like this."

"I collect hats."

"Don't forget to drink your milk everyday!"

"I like to sit on the computer and poot."

"I sleep on my mommy's belly."

"I like to smell the toothpaste off of your toothbrush and close my eyes while I do it."

"I will hog the bathroom sink."

"I talk"

"I will tear other cats in the neighborhood up, and then be so cute when my mom comes and finds me, and I get a treat"

"Could chase the birds in the yard that my mom feeds breads to, but I don't because I am a love love"

"I am very thankful that I was rescued from the shelter, because I am a good kitty, and want to remind others to look at the shelters first before you adopt, because there are some great friends there!" 

News flash!

News flash! News flash!  News flash!  Mother fuckin News Flash!

Fresh bandits are on the friggin loose ya'll.
Martha's Vineyard, wonderland (US)-
We need help stopping this criminal.  This man is cruel and needs to be behind bars.  If you recognize this man, please report him to your local authorities.  Do NOT try and approach this man and perform a citizens' arrest.  You're flat out stupid and an attention whore trying to reap hero's benefits from the local townfolk.  Just call your local police.  This is a dangerous situation.  This criminal was last seen fleeing from martha's vineyard wherever the hell that is, in the US.  Good luck finding it.
 He started his morning with a casual jaunt in this rig. (see photo above).  Residents caught immediate notice of it, because no one in the entire town drives one of these things (even though you'd think people living in martha's vineyard would, but they don't folks, they don't).  Questions as to what exactly this contraption is, have yet to be answered.  This criminal is obviously dillusional.  The miniature horse was stolen from a farmer.  Apparently, the man was pulling this contraption himself before he saw the pony and decided  to use it instead.  He and the pony fled from the farm before the farmer could shoot the thing down with his rifle.
Once in town, there were obviously many witnesses.  One witness we spoke with said they saw the pony try to escape in a car.... she took a picture and sent it to our headquarters.

There was a lady and her child in the car when the incident occured.  Apparently she had been singing "Old McDonald" with her kids when a live version animal decided to join in.  The woman was terrified and the car swerved into another car and crashed.  No one was hurt.  

Shortly after, the criminal found the pony and recaptured it.  The poor pony was tied back to the contraption and made to ride another mile carrying the dillusional man.  Eventually, this happend:

The miniature horse isn't dead, but it is suffering from exhaustion and smelly diarehha.  Possibly from the snap peas the man kept feeding it.

The horse is asking everyone to be on the lookout for the criminal and to please turn him in so Martha's vineyard can be safe again.

Things I do and don't know why

Here is a list of things I do and don't know why I do them:

1.  I look out the window before I go outside.
2.  I smell cups and dishes before I pour anything in them or eat from them.
3.  I also run my hands across forks and spoons and knives before I use them.
4.  I dry out the sink constantly and wipe/rewipe counters and surfaces.
5.  I check for the even-ness of curtains, blinds, towels, pillows
6.  I clench my teeth when I pet my cat
7.  I itch my nose throughout the day even when it's not itchy and I do it in 3s
8.  When inside, I always have to have socks on.  All the time.  Cannot stand bare feet on floors.
9.  I never know what to do with my arms when I'm around people.  Sometimes I'm angry at my arms
10.  If something is dropped on the floor, I have to pick it up or it will seriously bother me....
11.  I check and recheck locks, stove burners, appliances...sometimes 4 or 5 times before I can leave it alone.
12.  Eating around people makes me nervous
13.  I race to get dressed in the morning by singing to myself "mary had a little lamb" and if I don't get dressed completely (meaning: fully dressed to shoes and hair combed, and lotion put on)  by the time that I finish the song 3 times, then it's going to be a horrible day...sometimes I cheat myself and slow the song down.
14.  I stare at my freckles and make constellations of them
15. I have to get dressed to my shoes everyday or it changes my mood
16.  Sticky things can't get too close to me.
17.  Popcorn and everything about it, especially the smell makes me sick feeling
18.  If someone steps toward me, I automatically step back.  I don't mean to do it to hurt anyone's feelings, it's just always what I've done. 
19.  If I find a pen or pencil that's fun to write with, I won't put it down, or I'll hide it in a safe spot.
20.  I have to have fresh lotion on my hands at all times.  If I don't, then I will get upset feeling. I probably put lotion on my hands at least 20 times a day.  Hmmm...maybe I will keep a tally on that. And now that I said that, I need to go put on more lotion.
I know there are more, but these are the things I catch myself doing the most.

Reading back on this I didn't realize that I have serious problems, lol!  I do all of these things every single day without even realizing that I do them.  And every single one of them alters my mood if I don't suceed .   Weird!  I don't even know what started it.   Only ever so often do I catch myself doing them.  It's subtle to me, but ever so often someone catches me at it and once they leave, I have to start over, because that didn't count. 
And if someone ever asks "did you check the door?" or something like that, and I know I already did at least 5 times, then I can't leave it alone...I HAVE to go back and start the check over again.  Because they just made that not count anymore. 
It's really weird.  I'll get a sick feeling if I struggle while trying to change a light bulb or put up a shower curtain or hang a picture and I have to take a break from it.
I'd like to know other peoples habits or quirks...it's just facinating :D

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Right now

Do you want to know what is going on right now?  That's ok, I'll tell you anyways. 

Right now, a camel is struggling to survive.  Right now, right now at this very moment, a camel is halucinating and at the brink of catastrophe.  A slow suffering to the camel.   These things take time, you know.  The camel is not too lucky today.
It is at it's prisipus.  The shining glory for this single most important camel is fading away.  You see, the camel is going to die today.
Why is the camel going to die?  I will tell you why that camel is definately going to die today.  The camel caused the problem with itself.  So don't feel bad for it.  But the camel, the stupid camel , is going to die today because it did not finish it's task.
The task.  Ok, the bloody task for the camel was simple.  It couldn't even manage it, and it's dying now because of it, so you really, really shouldn't feel bad for it even for a minute.  Good grief, it can't even handle a task.  Now it is killing itself because it was so very dumb.  It has been an idiot!  That camel!! It just pisses me off.
The task was to go to the sanddune.  Just gallantly walk over there, just a mile away, and find the buckets.  The buckets were RIGHT there.  You couldn't miss them.  Well, that camel did! And let me tell you, they were right in his face.  He turned around and looked at me with that stupid face of his and said nothing.  He was just like  DURRR!!!!  And I was like DUHHH!!! So that camel.....that THING that it is, well, he just stood there waiting.  WAITING!!! The buckets were right there.  Seriously.
So an hour after he finally found them, he looked in them.  He was supposed to pick a bucket of his choice, and bring it to the palms.  Well you know about that camel.  That idiot camel couldn't open his mouth.  He didn't know how to.  So he stood there for another 6 hours looking at the buckets.  And the camel and the buckets were there for awhile.  Doing nothing.  I got fed up and went back to do something else other than scream at the camel to do it's task.  I just couldn't take it anymore. 
 It was bedtime, completely dark, and I look out my window, and the bloody camel...that stupid monster is still looking at the damn buckets.  Well, they can rot together!!! I was so angry I almost couldn't sleep, but I ended up sleeping anyways just from sheer exhaustion from the dumbness of the day.  I don't give a rat's butt about that situation out there anymore.
But the next day, it bothered me.  I had tossed and turned all night.  So I decided to go out there and see what all the hubbub was about.  That camel, that dingaling, was still there, still looking dumb as ever.  I sighed a big sigh and tried to regain composure.  This is a camel after all.  Let's get a grip, here.
So the camel finally figured out that it had a mouth after all and started walking to the palms with its bucket.  Just a mile...same distance, same path as when it traveled to the buckets, just this time, it's going to the palms.  The only slight degree of difficulty might have been the tiny slope.  But you had to really crouch down and look at the sand hard to even notice it.  I mean, common!! It wasn't really even there!  What a ninny.  I swear, that camel likes to make up excuses.  The genius's knees completely buckled and it wobbled to an awkward fall and slid down the invisible slope.  THERE WAS NO SLOPE!! There was NOTHING there! What a stupid useless thing!! And it was awkward too when it did that!! I was embarressed for it!  There was no one at all in that entire desert, but I felt so stupid standing next to it when it fell on nothing.
I shoved the useless thing up and demanded it go to the palms immediately. 
By the Graces above, that thing finally made it.
But now it's dying.
The stupid, dumb idiot of a camel is dying now because of the slope.  Personally, I think it's just being overly dramatic.  I think that the camel needs to get over itself.
So it can go on and suffer all it wants.  When it decides it's going to grow up and face the simple task, then we can move on.  But until then, it is dying.  A camel is laying out in a desert right now slowly dying  because it slid down an invisible slope with a bucket and didn't make it to the palms.  It just couldn't do it.  Didn't even want to.  It would have been easier if it just gave me some sort of excuse.  But it is dying now instead.  Dying with a bucket.

A lovely little stroll through the emotions

Emotions.  We haz them.  We all display them.  Emotions are like the various colors of the rainbow.  They all are beautiful in their own way, depending on how we see them.  As demonstrated in the photo above, there are two clashing emotions playing out here.  One of utter happiness, the other of sheer terror, from either the diaper situation or the feel of no end from the tickling.  We ALL know that feeling...it's quite....well....sufficationg. 

We are somewhat defined by our emotions.  How we react gives others an idea of what kind of person we are: a dramatic, a squishy, a cold disgust, or an unalive.  

A dramatic is probably one of my favorites and totally fun to watch in action.  We all have dramatic tendencies from time to time, but a dramatic is dramatic ALL the time.  In a get together, a dramatic throws himself at you like you haven't seen them in a zillion years when you saw them yesterday at the mailbox because you are neighbors and always seem to get to the mailbox at the same times.  A dramatic can be a bit manic.  They adjust to the "feel" of the atmosphere almost immediately.  If there is a sniffle in the crowd, then the dramatic plays it up and starts the river of tears.  They are in charge of setting the mood and stealing the show.  If there is a laugh, they start slapping their knee and let out hee-haw laughs.  And if they injury themselves, that is a real treat.  Depending on the injury, they will really let you know what exactly happened in great detail, even when they are halfway dying.

A squishy is a softheart.  A squishy sees things as darling and pleasantries and goodnesses.  Yup, they can definately be annoying.  But they are harmless.  A squishy would take a dramatic in their arms and give them a bonnet or nee- nee blanket.  They might assist a dramatic, because they think they are just innocents who are somewhat lost like a little doggie.  Their hearts go out to every situation because they see a goodness about everything.  A pile of shit would somewhat make a squishy softhearted to it because it reminds them that living things need foods and this is the evidence of that.  And a squishy wants to be surrounded by darlingness at all times.  Those that are either married or dating a squishy, either grow annoyed by it or eventually succumb to it...more than likely quietly.  A good way to guage the mates' own squishiness is by the length of the relationship.  If they are still together after a small zoo of animal rescues moved in and numerous figurines stare at them at night because "they are cute and do nothing and it tells a story so we HAVE to have them in our home", then it's a tell tale sign that they seceretly love the squishiness and became one themselves.  And that right there is downright squishy.

A cold disgust is just that, a cold disgust.  They are usually not very sociable unless it benefits them somehow.  And they are usually do nothings unless it benefits them somehow.  A cold disgust will snatch the last loaf of bread on the shelf from an elder.  A cold disgust will cut in front of a happy family that has been waiting in line for an hour to ride the rollercoaster and laugh about it. They finish their charming little conversations with "screw you" and then walk away farting.  It is almost impossible to find anything good about a cold disgust from a squishie's viewpoint other than the fact that it was once a little fetus, and even that is far-fetched for a squishy.   A cold disgust might have a few surprises though.  They might put up Christmas decorations and join in Halloween festivities, but it will cost others down the line.  Others involved in trying to "change" a cold disgust will usually suffer in the long run.  They will be putting up the Christmas decorations for a cold disgust in hopes that they are helping to bring out some cheer and better them, while a cold disgust plays them.  But a cold disgust does have emotions, it just takes a great big enormous deal to bring it out of them.  Deep, deep, deep into the darkest depths of a cold disgust is some sort of beating organ that once in awhile is happy.  Cold disgusts are simply afraid to be seen as a squishy, but secretly would like to be one.

An unalive is pretty severe.  An unalive is beyond a cold disgust and simply exists.  It is a medical mystery as to how an unalive lives.  It is nothing more than walking bones.  Quite extraordinary in a sick kinda way.  An unalive is sometimes confused as a rock.  An unalive tends to upset many people, particularly a dramatic.   Since they are direct opposites, a dramatic that is presented with an unalive will try especially hard to "bring some life" to an unalive.  This can result in a really stupid show of emotions.  Resulting in some sort of game, a dramatic will almost start convulsing at the unalive.  The unalive will not laugh, will not bundle, will not fart or push at anything or anyone.  The unalive is just there.  They are just there to be another body, another mass of dumb turd.  You want to kick an unalive.  A squishy would want to throw a dog at it.  A cold disgust isn't even tempted to disturb it, in fear that it will do nothing at all back.  There is no challenge.  The only thing that will bring out some sort of emotion is at feeding times.  At feeding, it will make a grunt or approval sound.  If you find yourself eating around an unalive, it makes you suddenly feel dumb for eating.  You see foods for what they are: fuel so you can keep on doing what you do everyday, and fuel for more of your emotions.  An unalive makes you mad that it eats.  It makes you mad that it continues to eat so it can do more of nothing.   It is sick and hideous and I hope you are not one, because that would make me really mad that you are reading my article.  Then you are going to eat. 

Ok, I'm going to stop right there on the unalive, because it's starting to get me mad and emotional.  An unalive disgusts me more than anything in the world.  It makes me want to throw a road at it.   You are sick, unalive!! You are straight up a disgusting, rotten, generic lump of skummy cheese that hasn't been picked off the shelf in months and is cast away for chicken feed and then the chickens don't even peck at you.   You are badness!   Just stay away.  I don't want to hear your breathing.  Because that makes me madder. 

See how even writing can stir your emotions?  Emotions are amazing.  Of course, these are quite extreme emotions that I listed in this article.   But we like extreme.  No one wants to read about the in-betweens.  They suck and are dumb and unmentionables.  They just walk around following everything.  You could lay out a path of sausages and they would follow along and wait for the mustard.  Boring and dumb. 

So today, look around in the crowds at stores, at traffic lights, at your job and in your own home.  It's entertaining and frightening and it will bring out the emotions in you.