A Message To Readers (if I even have any):

Chances are you happend upon my little page by googling in the toolbar something completely off the wall, and if that was what you were looking for, then you've come to the right place. Be prepared to waste a period of your life away if you graze around my page. You will not get the alloted time back, so I am warning you, I am not responsible.
I write about absolutely nothing at all. There is no importance to it, nor is there anything that will make you brighter. It will, in fact, make you dumb and possibly entertained a bit. I write because it's an outlet. It's fun and footloose and fancyfree. I have grammar and punctuation problems, and you probably have foul smelling body odor or maybe you walk through life with a constant wedgie. Let's play on that and be stoopit.
Beware of foul language and sometimes disgusting use of words.
Can't say I didn't warn ya.
Over and out.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Part baby part cat :by Emily

Once upon a time, there was a part cat part baby.  The baby was outside playing kick the can.

Meanwhile, his mommy was home sick.  She had no tissues.  So the baby went to the store to get some tissues and the cat part of it got mad and peed on itself.  And then there was even a more awful problem.  It ran into a couple of mean bullies that were boys,  so the cat baby had to defend itself.  It pooped.

So then the half cat half baby made it home to it's mommy and gave her the tissues.  She was ok then.  But the cat baby wasn't happy because it had a little bit left over stuck poot to it.  So the cat baby thingamajig had to take a bath and it doesn't like to do that. 

When the mommy put the part baby part cat in the tub for bathtimes, something happend...it cracked open and revealed cadburry eggs!!  Just kidding.  It cracked open and his tooth fell in the drain. So the mommy was trying to find glue to fix it.  Her baby cat baby was falling apart and stinky!  It hit itself with a tool. 

The mommy found glue and started gluing it back together.  So they were all happy and all alive again.  The end.

Cereal eating

Cereals! There are so many kinds! Endulge! Shop for them and then bring them home in bags! Place the boxes in your cabinet that isn't quite big enough for all the cereal boxes, so you end up slanting the boxes or smashing them in there.  You have the cereals now.   You can eat them later.  Or now.  Whichever.  Eat those cereals.  Which flavor did you choose?  There are varieties of them in colorful boxes.  It's a hard choice when going down that isle, so take your time and block other customers from viewing the choices.  Bang a few grocery carts and hurry through the isle like they are about to run out.  You freak out about cereals, you are a serious buyer.  You look at the box while eating the cereals.  You read the nutritions on the box and feel good about eating a bowl of them.  You are a healthy sonofabitch.  Go ahead, pour another bowl.  Eat that thing!

Doesn't that just make you feel like you need to hurry and eat a bowl? It makes you feel like it's a madhouse situation all about cereal.  Like, "hurry up and dump the cereal inside your awkward bodymass."  You need that cereal. I should advertise for cereal. 

But cereal eating is sick.  It really is.  Look at these people...

First off, a family isn't like that.  They don't sit at a table in a dentist looking atmosphere of a house and "say cheese" before devouring cereals.   Cereal commercials depict that all the time.  What is that about anyways?  And milk isn't poured from a glass jug jar thing.  ALL cereal commercials have that.  Or the milk cart.  What happend to the milk jug with pieces of last nite's din din spagetti stuck on it?  Or chocolate syrup dribbled on it from an attempt to make chocolate milk? Really...our milk jug is disgusting and I always can't wait until it's gone and I can throw it out to get a new clean milk container to place in the fridge.

This is what a cereal commercial should be more like:

That is straight up nasty! Munja munja!  And the kid is laying in it playing. 

Whenever people are eating cereals near me it kind of makes me mad.  I have to tune them out.  Especially when they are eating the cereals in front of a tv.   They hold the bowl like it's a statue, supporting it from the bottom.  Their head is nearly hanging over the bowl and they take scoops from the bowl.  They stop and chew, laugh at the tv and grab another scoop.  The head, mouth, spoon and bowl are almost connected by an invisible string.  All attached together.  Slurp chew scoop over and over with a laugh or chuckle in between.   And you know for a fact that if they were not eating that bowl of cereals, they wouldn't be laughing at the tv.  Sometimes, I want a bowl of cereal.  But I don't get one because I will be thinking that in my head while I'm eating the bowl of cereals.   Loops.   granola.   flakes.  pebbles.  cream.  crunch.  puffs.  all of these are associated with the cereals. 

So when I am watching tv, I usually opt for a sandwich.  But before I go and make one, I remember that the breads get stuck in my mouth so then I don't make a sandwich either.  So I sit there and do nothing at all with my arms. 

Eating ice cream doesn't count.  Ice cream is a silent eating.  So you would be safe to eat that.  Just be careful with the cereals.  They are tempting. 

And when you are done eating the cereals, don't forget to put the bowl away.  Otherwise, your cat will drink from the bowl of sparse cereal floating in there with the sugary milk left over and end up getting sick, doing a vertical downward puke from up on the couch to the floor. 

Friday, June 17, 2011

Cinnamon says...

Cinnamon says....

"I am a dainty, lovely and I cross my paws like this."

"I collect hats."

"Don't forget to drink your milk everyday!"

"I like to sit on the computer and poot."

"I sleep on my mommy's belly."

"I like to smell the toothpaste off of your toothbrush and close my eyes while I do it."

"I will hog the bathroom sink."

"I talk"

"I will tear other cats in the neighborhood up, and then be so cute when my mom comes and finds me, and I get a treat"

"Could chase the birds in the yard that my mom feeds breads to, but I don't because I am a love love"

"I am very thankful that I was rescued from the shelter, because I am a good kitty, and want to remind others to look at the shelters first before you adopt, because there are some great friends there!" 

News flash!

News flash! News flash!  News flash!  Mother fuckin News Flash!

Fresh bandits are on the friggin loose ya'll.
Martha's Vineyard, wonderland (US)-
We need help stopping this criminal.  This man is cruel and needs to be behind bars.  If you recognize this man, please report him to your local authorities.  Do NOT try and approach this man and perform a citizens' arrest.  You're flat out stupid and an attention whore trying to reap hero's benefits from the local townfolk.  Just call your local police.  This is a dangerous situation.  This criminal was last seen fleeing from martha's vineyard wherever the hell that is, in the US.  Good luck finding it.
 He started his morning with a casual jaunt in this rig. (see photo above).  Residents caught immediate notice of it, because no one in the entire town drives one of these things (even though you'd think people living in martha's vineyard would, but they don't folks, they don't).  Questions as to what exactly this contraption is, have yet to be answered.  This criminal is obviously dillusional.  The miniature horse was stolen from a farmer.  Apparently, the man was pulling this contraption himself before he saw the pony and decided  to use it instead.  He and the pony fled from the farm before the farmer could shoot the thing down with his rifle.
Once in town, there were obviously many witnesses.  One witness we spoke with said they saw the pony try to escape in a car.... she took a picture and sent it to our headquarters.

There was a lady and her child in the car when the incident occured.  Apparently she had been singing "Old McDonald" with her kids when a live version animal decided to join in.  The woman was terrified and the car swerved into another car and crashed.  No one was hurt.  

Shortly after, the criminal found the pony and recaptured it.  The poor pony was tied back to the contraption and made to ride another mile carrying the dillusional man.  Eventually, this happend:

The miniature horse isn't dead, but it is suffering from exhaustion and smelly diarehha.  Possibly from the snap peas the man kept feeding it.

The horse is asking everyone to be on the lookout for the criminal and to please turn him in so Martha's vineyard can be safe again.

Things I do and don't know why

Here is a list of things I do and don't know why I do them:

1.  I look out the window before I go outside.
2.  I smell cups and dishes before I pour anything in them or eat from them.
3.  I also run my hands across forks and spoons and knives before I use them.
4.  I dry out the sink constantly and wipe/rewipe counters and surfaces.
5.  I check for the even-ness of curtains, blinds, towels, pillows
6.  I clench my teeth when I pet my cat
7.  I itch my nose throughout the day even when it's not itchy and I do it in 3s
8.  When inside, I always have to have socks on.  All the time.  Cannot stand bare feet on floors.
9.  I never know what to do with my arms when I'm around people.  Sometimes I'm angry at my arms
10.  If something is dropped on the floor, I have to pick it up or it will seriously bother me....
11.  I check and recheck locks, stove burners, appliances...sometimes 4 or 5 times before I can leave it alone.
12.  Eating around people makes me nervous
13.  I race to get dressed in the morning by singing to myself "mary had a little lamb" and if I don't get dressed completely (meaning: fully dressed to shoes and hair combed, and lotion put on)  by the time that I finish the song 3 times, then it's going to be a horrible day...sometimes I cheat myself and slow the song down.
14.  I stare at my freckles and make constellations of them
15. I have to get dressed to my shoes everyday or it changes my mood
16.  Sticky things can't get too close to me.
17.  Popcorn and everything about it, especially the smell makes me sick feeling
18.  If someone steps toward me, I automatically step back.  I don't mean to do it to hurt anyone's feelings, it's just always what I've done. 
19.  If I find a pen or pencil that's fun to write with, I won't put it down, or I'll hide it in a safe spot.
20.  I have to have fresh lotion on my hands at all times.  If I don't, then I will get upset feeling. I probably put lotion on my hands at least 20 times a day.  Hmmm...maybe I will keep a tally on that. And now that I said that, I need to go put on more lotion.
I know there are more, but these are the things I catch myself doing the most.

Reading back on this I didn't realize that I have serious problems, lol!  I do all of these things every single day without even realizing that I do them.  And every single one of them alters my mood if I don't suceed .   Weird!  I don't even know what started it.   Only ever so often do I catch myself doing them.  It's subtle to me, but ever so often someone catches me at it and once they leave, I have to start over, because that didn't count. 
And if someone ever asks "did you check the door?" or something like that, and I know I already did at least 5 times, then I can't leave it alone...I HAVE to go back and start the check over again.  Because they just made that not count anymore. 
It's really weird.  I'll get a sick feeling if I struggle while trying to change a light bulb or put up a shower curtain or hang a picture and I have to take a break from it.
I'd like to know other peoples habits or quirks...it's just facinating :D